Archive for humour

Josie in a pet shop – oh dear!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I had cause to go into a pet shop recently.  Not a place I would normally go, seeing as I haven’t got any pets.  But a friend of mine had tipped me off about some rather stylish Martha Stewart storage containers at half price, obviously intended for dog biscuits but who cares about that?  Anyway there I am trying to decide whether to get the brown box trimmed with aqua or the lime green trimmed with yellow, always a dilemma, and my gaze wandered over to a counter where I noticed a lady cooing over a spiky animal.  She was trying to stuff some flaky looking substance into its mouth but the poor thing was retreating further and further into its spikes. 

“Isn’t it cute?” The lady said looking up at me. Well yes if you like spiky covered balls! Was she completely mad?

“What is it?” I asked, just to be polite.

“A hedgehog.  They make great pets.” She gazed down fondly at it while I stared in disbelief.  A hedgehog? Sold as a pet? How daft!  And how on earth does a hedgehog make a great pet anyway? They’re spiky, nocturnal and extremely shy aren’t they? Not exactly choice requirements for a pet in my humble I-don’t-have-any-pets-opinion!

“How much do they cost?” I eventually managed to stutter.

“$150.” She said with an apologetic smile.  “It’s a lot of money but he’s just so cute!”  

$150 for a HEDGEHOG!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean that’s just complete nonsense!   I lost my grip on the Martha Stewart storage box and it tumbled to the floor, bouncing down the aisle. When I managed to retrieve it, I noticed another woman had come over to gawp at the poor animal, which had now appeared to have completely curled up. 

“Is that a hedgehog? I heard they make great pets,” she said.  Seriously, where had she heard that?  From the crazy-lady standing next to her? I mean I grew up in a land where hedgehogs happily roam free and I never once heard that they make great pets!  This was absurd.  What happened to just normal pets? Like a cat or guinea-pigs or … you know… fish!  What’s wrong with choosing one of those? Surely they are a much better idea than a hedgehog?!

But then who am I to judge?  I mean I already know they do things differently here.  The Brits have Bonfire Night, the Americans have The Fourth of July.  We have Blackcurrant Polos, the Americans have Grape Lifesavers.  I have tea made with boiling water poured from a teapot (when I’m being posh), my chums over here drink it with ice from a big urn.  It’s fine – we’re all different.  I get that. 

Even so…A HEDGEHOG FOR A PET????????????? 

And then I said something I probably shouldn’t have.  I didn’t mean to sound heartless or cruel – it’s not like I’m anti-hedgehogs or nature or anything – it just came out. It was one of those moments when the filter that stops you actually verbalizing your inner thoughts, malfunctions and you find yourself saying them out loud (unfortunately I find that happens to me quite often).

“Shame you didn’t live in the UK, you could get one for free there – mind you, you’d probably have to scrape it off the road!”  Then I sort of smirked which I really regret. 

The women looked at me with disgust and one of the woman tried to put her hand protectively around the hedgehog – except she couldn’t because of the spikes (you see totally useless as a pet).   Then I hastily picked up the lime green Martha Stewart storage box (only $6.95 -total bargain for celebrity endorsed merchandise) and made my way to the checkout.

That’s probably the last time I’ll go into a pet shop!

Bye y’all!

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A Hairy Fantasy!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2011 by Ella Slayne

So I wouldn’t usually share one of my fantasies with you guys – after all they’re private right?  I mean who would want to share such an intimate thing with the whole world via the internet?  Not me that’s for sure  – although actually I have no say in the matter because it’s up to Ella and quite frankly she seems to have no concern whatsoever telling the world all my private details!

But this is a fantasy I don’t mind sharing – although I’m not suggesting anyone tries to do the whole psychoanalysis number on it! 

At the moment I am having a fantasy of walking down the street in shorts and extremely hairy legs.  Actually not just hairy legs, hairy armpits too!   In my fantasy I am walking freely, hair sprouting forth on my limbs at the amazement and admiration of all who pass by.  I can hear them gasp at the wonder of my downy legs and bushy underarms. I feel no embarrassment.  No! In fact I feel like a goddess. A cilial-covered goddess!

I think my fantasy has something to do with the arrival of summer and the need to de-hair regularly all of sudden.  Not that I don’t de-hair during the rest of the year – obviously I do – but let’s face it, it’s a lot easier to hide a few days leg hair growth under a pair of long jeans isn’t it? 

But now it’s swimming season and so the pressure is on to have smooth, soft, hairless skin again.  I know I shouldn’t feel that I have to slap on the Nair or haul out the Gillette.  I mean I know that whether I have hair on my legs or not does not define my beauty.  And even though my rational head tells me that there shouldn’t be a difference between men and women’s collection of bristles, my gut instinctively seems to say otherwise.  I tried the natural look, years ago when I was a student (and single coincidentally)  but it didn’t last long before I was ripping it all away with sugar wax from the BodyShop.   The truth is though that even though it is completely natural for women to have body hair and I just don’t feel comfortable exposing my fuzz! 

But it is such a drag!!!!!!!!!  Isn’t it?  Keeping up with hair removal is a bore and continual hassle – not to mention embarrassing – as anyone who has endured a bikini wax knows – and let me just say those paper panties do not cover up a thing!  It is truly a mortifying experience trying to continue a conversation with one’s beautician while one’s practically naked bum is stuck up in the air! 

Needless to say I’m already longing for Autumn’s return when my bristles and I can hide away behind cardigans and trousers again.  

Bye y’all!

Bargain Hunter I Am Not!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I am not a big fan of bargains.  That may seem a bit surprising but my experience with bargain purchases has not been hugely positive.  I usually end up with cosmetics I don’t want, food that will likely kill me and clothes that may have been $5 but don’t actually fit!  My theory is that if it’s in the bargain bucket because it’s not selling then there has to be a reason: if no-one else wants to buy it,  I don’t want it either thank you very much!

A bit of impromptu sale buying is ok I suppose but the huge organised sales leave me cold. I don’t like spending hours rifling through racks of clothing nor fighting my way through hoards of people – people who incidentally have lost all sense of decorum and good manners while being blinded by the smell of a sale.  And if you ask me places like T J Maxx and Marshalls have taken the smugness out of wearing a designer label.  If anyone can get a Gucci handbag for $50  or Calvin Kline jeans at the afore-mentioned stores, what’s the point?   Surely the only reason to buy those brands is to gloat, otherwise you might as well get them at Target or Marks & Spencers.  (Nothing wrong with that of course- ahem!)

Recently though I did succumb to a bargain and it didn’t pay off I can tell you!  I was in CVS getting a few supplies, toothpaste, lip balm, a new bath squeegee, that sort of thing, and I noticed some Mrs Whittaker’s Organic Peppermint Body Wash on sale.  Lovely packaging…old style, Times Roman font, blue and white print…you know the sort of thing…it looked…well…reliable…the kind of thing my Granny would have used.   And it was only $2 for a big bottle, there were loads of them all stacked neatly with a sign booming in neon ink that they were “ON CLEARANCE!”  I threw a bottle in the trolley and headed to the cashier feeling wholesome and thrifty.

Next morning I awoke, excited to use my new minty body wash.  Oh yes it smelled so good as I flipped the cap, the vapours mixing with the steam of my shower, reviving and refreshing.  I could almost imagine that I was back in the fifties with a ration book and twin-set.  Mint! How natural, how simple, how perfect!

I smeared the bloomin’ stuff everywhere and that, my friends, was my downfall.  You see there are some parts of the body, I know now, that you don’t want a minty fresh feeling because in certain areas, it feels less like a lively minty coolness and more like an aggressive burn!  And no amount of rinsing can relieve it.  Honestly, I felt peculiar…down there…all day. 

And that is why I shall continue to steer clear of bargain buckets, anything on clearance, the President’s Day Sale, New Year Sale, buy one get one free, last-minute mark-downs, discontinued lines… you get the idea! 

Bye y’all!

Josie Jenkins At Large (Second time around!)

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2011 by Ella Slayne

Now, when I say “Josie Jenkins At Large” – I want to clarify that I mean metaphorically speaking – I’m only a dress size ten,which apparently, is a national average so while I’m not exactly of supermodel proportions, I’m not a hippo either!

So what I mean by at large is sort of a here I am kind of thing I suppose. Except I’m not actually real, I’m a character created by Ella Slayne – this new writer – who chose to write a whole book about me! Hugely flattering of course! Although she’s in the middle of rewrites at the moment and still yet to get the thing published – in fact it hasn’t even got a proper name – but it will be great…you know…when it actually comes out. I hope. Otherwise it could be incredibly embarrassing and I’ll be left here on this blog as a nobody who appears to think they were a somebody once when in fact they were just a wannabe/mighthavebeen person.

It’s also a tad invasive if I’m honest – she knows me warts n’all which isn’t always a good thing! So while this blog is supposed to promote the book, I have to say there is a small part of me – well tiny really – that hopes it fails miserably because there are just some areas of one’s life you like to remain private, if you know what I mean?! However the bigger part of me is just desperate for the Oprah interview of course and now that she’s leaving telly, the pressure is really on. So Ella – don’t let me down here!

Sorry I’m rambling a bit – I do have a tendancy to veer of topic! I have a feeling it must be incredibly irritating and so I’m ever grateful for the smattering of people in my life so far, who put up with me and my rambles – Becky, that one goes out to you baby!

So back to this blogging thing which is completely new to me and to be honest I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing! Which is why there is no photo or anything on here yet – I am going to have dig something out but could take me a while to find anything suitable – in general I don’t tend to be photogenic -I blame it on my frizzy hair but the odd chin pimple doesn’t help either!

Actually I’m a bit of technophobe – so the chances of me ever working out how to post a photo, are slim. I’m the type of person who rarely even sends texts because it takes me so long to write them -usually with no punctuation or spaces. But, they tell me that blogging is all the rage – OMG I sound like my Granny – so I agreed to go along with it!

Anyway, it ocurred to me, when I was indulging in a lovely homemade geranium and parsley bath soak – got the idea from a Herbals At Home book my Mum gave me for Christmas – most of the stuff in it is total crap, like the recepie for an oatmeal and mustard facepack – I don’t even like mustard with my steak, never mind smeared all over my face, so am certainly not trying that one – but the bath soak is actually quite nice and as I already had an old bottle of geranium essential oil knocking about and a bag of parsely in the freezer, I thought: why not? An unsightly skin irriation, due to misreading the quantities of essential oil, could be one reason but I won’t dwell on that… after all the sunflower oil and wheatbran cream seemed to help…it’s amazing what you can find in the kitchen cupboards.

So, as I was saying, it occurred to me that – and I apologise if this is stating the obvious for all the seasoned bloggers out there – blogging is a sort of an online diary. You write down all your personal thoughts and observations – like how it worries me that President Obama’s hair is already loads greyer since he became President and that the same thing happened to Tony Blair, who started off as a bit debonair and handsome too but eventually began to look as grey and wizened as the rest of them – politics saps the life out of you, it seems – so you write this sort of thing down but instead of using a glistening chrome Paperchase pen with matching notebook and tucking it in the drawer of your bedside cabinet, you put it on the internet for anyone and everyone to read! It’s like the introvert/extrovert’s dream really!

I’ll shall have to go in a minute – I put the kettle on and am gagging for a cuppa – a Brit through and through, I’m never far away from a cup of tea. Thank goodness for the international aisle at the local supermarket, I’d be lost if I couldn’t get my PGTips! And after living here in the States for over ten years I simply cannot get the hang of iced tea, not even in the summer – all that cold liquid makes my stomach blow up like a balloon!

A Englishman in New York – that’s what I suggested for the title of the blog – except that I’m not a bloke, I’m female and I’m not in New York – unfortunately – I’m in Texas – which apparently is quite a bit different from New York – yeah so not really the best title!

Which is probably why Ella plumped for High Heels and Slippers instead sums me up. By day I’m a Company Executive – even if it is only temporary – wobbling around in high heels and by night sofa-snuggler in fleece-lined slippers – because if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s cold feet!

Not sure how I will end these blog entries – I like the idea of developing some kind of catchphrase – you know like famous comedians do – although the only one I can think of right now is from the bloke who used to be on Crackerjack and say: ooh I could crush a grape! Not really the level of sophistication I was aiming for.

On the other extreme I suppose I could sign off newsreporter style: This is Josie Jenkins for High Heels and Slippers saying goodnight. But that’s not right either.

So perhaps I’ll just use that good old Texan phrase I’ve grown to know and love: bye y’all!

Josie’s Quick Take on the Royal Wedding!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2011 by Ella Slayne

Oh the Royal Wedding – what a do! 

Kate looked divine and so elegant – it is hard not to be in awe.  William looked dapper and completely in love which was just adorable! 

But my oh my what about some of those hats?????  A collection of different coloured satellite dishes!

The Queen looked fabulous – as always impeccable taste.

David Beckham was … well handsome of course! Posh Spice was so serious (cheer up love) and WHO ON EARTH was responsible for advising Beatrice and Eugene on their outfits?  They looked ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

What did y’all think? 😉

Let’s Get Royal!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2011 by Ella Slayne

Ok,  I admit it, I am getting a bit excited about the BIG WEDDING on Friday!  I’ve never been a full-on royalist or anything but let’s face it, as my Aunty Meg used to say:  who doesn’t love a good do?  

I am very excited to see THE DRESS and am hoping that Kate goes for the full sparkles-puffed-out-skirt-tiara look because … well she’s a princess for goodness sake!  This in not the time to hold back! I love a bit of Vera Wang, don’t get me wrong (well I would if I could afford it) but a Royal Wedding calls for bling on a large scale if you ask me. 

I do hope she has someone fully au fait with Royal Glamour advising her on this (and not just the people from What Not To Wear).  I would do it, but I’m absolutely snowed under at work, so…you know…I’m…unavailable but thanks for asking…not! 

Actually come to think of it a representative from the Walt Disney animating team might be better because after all, they know how to do the princess look don’t they?  She’s already got the hair.  All they have to do is maybe accentuated her curves a little so that her boobs look completely out of proportion with the rest of her body, give her tiny feet and a high singing voice – perfect! 

Not so bothered about what William wears, to me a suit, is a suit, is a suit…blah, blah, blah!  But can I just say that after watching all the BBC America footage about my future king: isn’t he a lovely bloke?   He’s sufficiently regal yet also one of us (except that he has a posh voice and loads of body-guards). He’d look good in a crown or a woolly hat, he is able to be serious and stately and then crack a joke with the lads. And he’s very outdoorsy which I always think is a plus in a man.

Yes, I’m very impressed.   He can come and royally shake my hand any day!   Seriously Wills… just call my secretary and we can set that up.  What’s that? Your busy saving the tigers in Africa and arranging the BIGGEST WEDDING OF THE CENTURY?  Oh…let’s take a rain check then.

Right, if you’ll excuse me, I must go and polish my tiara and make some cucumber sandwiches!

Bye y’all!

Sobbing in Public – it’s nothing to be ashamed of!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I just want to say THANK YOU to the lovely lady in Aveda who offered me a hug (and bag full of free samples – yay!) yesterday. 

There was I, an emotional wreck, dry unkempt hair,  oily make-free skin strewn with blemish after blemish, tired sullen eyes with dark shadows so ominous and grey they were worthy of a tornado warning.   (Well everyone has a bad day don’t they?  I mean even Jennifer Lopez must have a rough day musn’t she?  Doesn’t she?… Maybe not…sigh.)

And there was she, Erin – Aveda Sales Assistant,  round and buxom, in a maternal way, reassuring wrinkles and dimples, greying hair swept back in a tidy chignon and wearing a pinny (you can never underestimate the comforting power of a pinny).

As I scanned the shelves, reaching out for the Eye Sift and Lift Cream, the Skin Armour Face Mask and rather intriguing Gumba Mamba Bath Oil, Erin handed me a cup of purifying Tea, which tasted so disgusting I knew it was good for me.   So frail was my emotional state that this simple gesture brought tears to my eyes.

“Aw,” she said in a warm sing-song voice, rather like a hen clucking to her chicks. “Do you need a hug?”

Ten minutes later, as my sobs rang out through the entire store and several potential customers had come and fled, I think she may have regretted the offer.  Eventually I pulled away reaching for an organic, non-bleached towelette and blew my nose.  The saleslady scanned her shoulder and patted it dry with a tissue. 

“Thanks ever so much,” I said. 

“Oh you’re welcome honey,” she replied.  At which point I began to sob quietly again.

“You…(sob)…are …(sniff)…so…(sob)…nice (small wail)…”

“Right…let’s see if we can find you some samples shall we?’  Erin muttered nervously. 

I collected my things together and as I left Erin handed me the rather generous bag of freebies  and a business-card.

“This is the number for my therapist…why don’t you give her a call?” She smiled, gently guiding my towards the door.

“Oh thanks but I don’t think I need a therapist! I feel much better now!”  I gushed.  And with a grin worthy of an American Idol Judge,  I was gone, on my way to Banana Republic and hopefully a super-stylish J-Lo make-over!

Ah there’s nothing to lift the spirits like a good old public sob!

Bye y’all!