Archive for celebrity

A New Update – Josie Jenkins in hospital!!!

Posted in blogging, chick lit, ebooks, fiction, humor, life, personal, self publishing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2011 by Ella Slayne

We meet Fran Peters again, standing outside a hospital this time, looking concerned, she turns to the camera and begins to speak.  There is a man standing next to her, he is wearing a white doctor’s coat and had a stethoscope around his neck.  He looks at his watch impatiently.

Fran: “Good morning and welcome to News At Five Morning Update.  I am standing outside Forster’s Medical Center in Dallas where it appears that Josie Jenkins was admitted in the early hours of this morning.  With me now is Dr Drummer who apparently treated Miss Jenkins and can give us an update on her condition.”  Fran turns to the Dr Drummer, while her expression is rather grave, he looks a little irritated.

Fran: “Dr Drummer could you explain to us what happened this morning?”

Dr Drummer: “Yes, this morning Ms Jenkins drove herself to the Emergency Unit, convinced she was in the middle of a heart attack.” His tone is rather dry and he looks at his watch, obviously pressed for time.  “After she was examined, it became apparent that she was merely having a mild panic attack.”  Fran gasps.

Fran: “Can you tell us if Josie, I mean Miss Jenkins, is going to be ok?” She turns to the camera. “What was the cause of this… panic attack!”

Dr Drummer(not hiding his frustration): “Ms Jenkins is going to be perfectly fine! In fact she is enjoying a plate of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, from our a la carte menu, at the moment.  The panic attack, actually hysteria might be a more appropriate word, seems to be a, rather pronounced, reaction to the fantastic review Molly at Reviews By Molly gave her book High-Heels And Slippers today.  Apparently she was overwhelmed by phrases such as: “A fantabulously, laugh-out-loud, AWESOME debut novel!” And “I absolutely, with out a doubt, recommend this story with 5 Books … for a fabtasterrific debut from a truly talented author!” (You can read the full review here: http://www.reviewsbymolly.com/2011/12/chicklitplus-blog-tour-review-high.html).  This caused her to hyperventilate, which she mistook to be the early signs of cardiac arrest.”

Fran: “Oh my! That must have been an awful experience for her! Dr Drummer will she be traumatized by this?”

Dr DRummer: “No.  In fact I think the other patients who have had to listen to her wails and sobs are more likely to need treatment for shock than Ms Jenkins.  Now, can I go? There is a man in C ward waiting for me to insert a catheter, poor guy hasn’t been able to pee for days.”  He turns to go without waiting for Fran’s reply. We hear him mumbling as he leaves “I’m trying to run a hospital here guys!  This isn’t TMZ!”

Fran (trying to talk over him): “Thank you Dr Drummer.  I’m sure everyone is pleased to hear that Josie Jenkins is going to be ok!” She sort of cries out the last bit, overcome with emotion, then tries to regain composure to add: “This is Fran Peters for News AT Five, about to go and buy a big bunch of flowers for Superstar Josie Jenkins!” She grins madly at the camera. We hear a rather loud, angry yell of “CUT!” The screen goes blank.

 

Another Great Review For High-Heels And Slippers and a new BFF for Josie!

Posted in blogging, chick lit, ebooks, fiction, humor, life, personal, self publishing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I have a new best friend! Michelle Bell @ http://lovelivejustjump.blogspot.com/2011/12/book-review-high-heels-and-slippers-by.html– thanks so much for the FAB review! If you ever find yourself in fictional character world, look me up and we can do lunch! 😉

In case you are too lazy to follow the link here’s what she said:  

I absolutely adored this book!! Josie is such a fun character. She puts her foot in her mouth frequently, she is a bit of a mess, but she is one of those characters that you just know would be your best friend if you met her.

Ella Slayne has such a charming voice to her story telling and I think I ran the gauntlet of emotions in this book. From the giddy moment of a realized crush to the heartbreaking realization that you can’t cure what ails everyone. Two very different leading men to tempt our Josie’s heart, Callum and Tom, make things very difficult. The supporting group of characters are a good combination and all bring a unique perspective to the story.

This is such a fun chick lit novel that I think everyone will love as much as I did. Ella Slayne has such talent and I hope we have something new soon from her.”

THANK YOU SO MUCH MICHELLE!!!!! 

You could have left out all the “Ella” mentions but that’s just my opinion of course…I mean there’s no need to actually refer to her in the reviews…all I’m saying is that we all know who the book is about don’t we? Me! Now where is that Ethan Allen catalogue…I think I need to order an expensive accent table now that I’m going up in the world! Has anyone made any coffee yet? Where’s my assistant?…Do I have an assistant yet?…No? Well I think I need a PA now…Ella, can we talk about this please? …Can you write me one in?… Hello?…. Ella?… Anyone there?…Oh.  She’s gone.

Josie Jenkins Responds to First Official Review!

Posted in blogging, chick lit, ebooks, fiction, humor, life, self publishing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2011 by Ella Slayne

Imagine a news reporter standing outside an apartment block, she is surrounded by photographers, although the temperature is chilly, the sun is blinding and so everyone is wearing shades  along with their winter coats.  There is a podium set in front of the main door to the apartment block and the crowd of people are poised waiting for the arrival of… Josie Jenkins!

Reporter: “Hello, my name is Fran Peters and I am standing here in sunny Dallas waiting for the arrival of famed heroine and fictional character, Josie Jenkins.  High-Heels And Slippers is now officially on tour and News At Five is first on the scene to find out what Ms Jenkins thinks of the first review.”  The crowd begins to jostle and there is sign of movement behind the glass door.   The reporter continues in an excited voice: “Well it seems that Ms Jenkins may be coming out now to speak to us.  She was expected to appear over half an hour ago but apparently was held up by a rather unsightly battle with a pair of spanx…”

The reporter is temporarily cut off by a frantic crowd.  She struggles to keep hold of her mic but manages to get back in position in front of the podium just in time as the door opens and a porter comes out, ready to fend off the photographers who immediately lunge forward with their camera flashing. We catch a glimpse of a head of brown curls ducking down away from the flashing cameras.  All around the crowd yell out deafening cries of “Josie! Josie!” and “Look up Josie!”  Eventually the curls reach the podium and the crowd quietens as she lifts her head to reveal a large pair of sunglasses and bright red lips. 

This is Josie Jenkins.  She is wearing what appears to be a fur coat with a pale green silk scarf tied around her neck.  There is a definite look of Grace Kelly about her and she stares out at the crowd with a solemn expression.   Fran Peters gingerly steps up towards the podium.

Fran Peters (obviously a little in awe of Josie’s huge celebrity status): “Ms Jenkins…Ms Jenkins… High-Heels and Slippers has just received its first official review today by… (she glances down at her papers and reads) Rea at http://reabookreview.blogspot.com/.  How does it feel to have your life story out in the public eye?”

Josie Jenkins: (assuming a rather affected tone, reminiscent of 1950’s BBC television presenters) “First of all may I say how grateful I am to Ms Rae for presenting her candid review of High-Heels And Slippers to the world. While the weak among us may feel vulnerable and ill at ease at having their life story judged in this way, I prefer to embrace it.” She looks off into the distance, tilting her head slightly.  There is an air of a politician about her and the photographers go wild trying to capture her image.  Josie leans forward and says conspiratorially into the mic: “Besides did you know she’s a beauty therapist? I’m banking on a discount!”  The crowd laughs. “I’m thinking half price hair removal ladies!” The crowd laughs again, wooed by Josie’s charms.

Fran Peters (trying to regain some control on the interview):  “Er…Ms Rae has written that High-Heels And Slippers is an entertaining and enjoyable read; how does this make you feel?”

Josie Jenkins (smiling): “Ella and I are, of course, ecstatic about it!” She removes her shades with dramatic flair and flashes a  Hollywood-sized grin at the crowd.  They go bananas and there is a clatter of camera clicks!   

Fran Peters: “And Ms Jenkins how do you feel about the suggestion that there could be more character development between yourself and … (again she looks down at her papers) Callum Doherty?”  The crowd yell out in protest. There are cries of  “Boo!” and “No way!”  Josie smiles and raises her hands to silence them.

Josie Jenkins: “Quiet!…Please…quiet…let me answer the question.” The crowd calms down and Josie continues, adopting a deep serious tone: “This has been an emotional journey for me and one that I had to make, for the most part, on my own.  That is not to say that Callum Doherty was not an important part of that journey…but it was my…journey to make.” She pauses, searching for words. “And lets face it…sometimes we all have a journey to make…on our own… mostly…and that’s what High-Heels And Slippers is all about…it’s about the journey I make, partly with Callum but…mostly…on my own….”  The crowd is quiet, Josie looks a little bewildered and adds:  “By the way I’d just like to point out that this coat is NOT real fur it’s just really good quality fake.” There is a lone cry of  “We love you Josie!” by a mad fan standing on the railing fence next to the swimming pool.  Somebody pulls him down and there is a scuffle.

Josie regains her composure, adding in a girly squeak: “Remember people: it ain’t over till the fat lady sings! Watch out for the sequel: High-Heels And Diamonds!” Then she winks, throwing her hair back and replacing her over-sized shades.  The porter reappears and bundles her away.  Meanwhile the crowd push after her.  Josie is stumbling and her voice can be heard yelling “Oh for God’s sakes, someone just trod on my Jimmy Choo’s!” and “Quick get me out of here; I think my hair is beginning to frizz!” 

The camera quickly moves back to Fran who is grinning: “Once again we have a News At Five exclusive: Josie Jenkins has revealed here today that there WILL be a sequel to High-Heels And Slippers! And I think a great name for that book would actually be something like: “Josie Jenkins and her new best friend Fran, go on adventure!” We can see a hand waving the wind-it-up gesture frantically to the side of Fran.  “Or: High-Heels and Television Reporters!”  Someone yells “Cut!” and the screen goes blank.

The problem with self-help books…

Posted in blogging, chick lit, ebooks, fiction, humor, life, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I was watching Nanny PcPhee Returns the other day (I know it’s a kids’ movie but it was on telly and I had nothing better to do … besides Emma Thompson reminds me of home). Anyway at the beginning, when Nanny McPhee has just arrived and is trying to explain her appearance to the bunch of unruly children, she says something along the lines of:

“When you need me but don’t want me, I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, I must go”

And it occurred to me that the same thing could be applied to self-help books…

I think self-help books have a fundemental flaw: the people they target are the people least likely to actually pick one up and read it. I mean when you’re down in the dumps, your focus is usually wallowing in your own self-pity. You’re not usually receptive to some positive bright spark advising you on how to “Gain Control of Your Gloom” or “Walk Over To The Sunny Side of the Street”. No, because it just makes you feel worse, even more of a failure. You look at the picture of smug self-help book author and you weep, because next to them you look like a worthless drip! You read one chapter of their book and end up snivelling into a chocolate bar.

It’s like when Simon Cowell was on American Idol and he used to say to the contestants: “The only thing stopping you from winning this competetion is you!” And the poor wanna-be pop star would just stand there blinking back the tears. I mean come on Simon – how on earth is that helpful? You’re basically telling the poor sods that they’re ruining their own chances just by being themselves which they can’t do anything about!

It seems to me that we are most receptive to positive thinking when we are already thinking positively! So we should make a point of stocking up on our self-help reading when we feel we don’t need it, in the hope that it will carry us through the glum phases and then hopefully we, too, stand a chance of becoming an AMERICAN IDOL! Well not really but you know what I mean…although just so you know, I’m am actually quite good a karaoke

Bye y’all!

Josie in a pet shop – oh dear!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 8, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I had cause to go into a pet shop recently.  Not a place I would normally go, seeing as I haven’t got any pets.  But a friend of mine had tipped me off about some rather stylish Martha Stewart storage containers at half price, obviously intended for dog biscuits but who cares about that?  Anyway there I am trying to decide whether to get the brown box trimmed with aqua or the lime green trimmed with yellow, always a dilemma, and my gaze wandered over to a counter where I noticed a lady cooing over a spiky animal.  She was trying to stuff some flaky looking substance into its mouth but the poor thing was retreating further and further into its spikes. 

“Isn’t it cute?” The lady said looking up at me. Well yes if you like spiky covered balls! Was she completely mad?

“What is it?” I asked, just to be polite.

“A hedgehog.  They make great pets.” She gazed down fondly at it while I stared in disbelief.  A hedgehog? Sold as a pet? How daft!  And how on earth does a hedgehog make a great pet anyway? They’re spiky, nocturnal and extremely shy aren’t they? Not exactly choice requirements for a pet in my humble I-don’t-have-any-pets-opinion!

“How much do they cost?” I eventually managed to stutter.

“$150.” She said with an apologetic smile.  “It’s a lot of money but he’s just so cute!”  

$150 for a HEDGEHOG!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean that’s just complete nonsense!   I lost my grip on the Martha Stewart storage box and it tumbled to the floor, bouncing down the aisle. When I managed to retrieve it, I noticed another woman had come over to gawp at the poor animal, which had now appeared to have completely curled up. 

“Is that a hedgehog? I heard they make great pets,” she said.  Seriously, where had she heard that?  From the crazy-lady standing next to her? I mean I grew up in a land where hedgehogs happily roam free and I never once heard that they make great pets!  This was absurd.  What happened to just normal pets? Like a cat or guinea-pigs or … you know… fish!  What’s wrong with choosing one of those? Surely they are a much better idea than a hedgehog?!

But then who am I to judge?  I mean I already know they do things differently here.  The Brits have Bonfire Night, the Americans have The Fourth of July.  We have Blackcurrant Polos, the Americans have Grape Lifesavers.  I have tea made with boiling water poured from a teapot (when I’m being posh), my chums over here drink it with ice from a big urn.  It’s fine – we’re all different.  I get that. 

Even so…A HEDGEHOG FOR A PET????????????? 

And then I said something I probably shouldn’t have.  I didn’t mean to sound heartless or cruel – it’s not like I’m anti-hedgehogs or nature or anything – it just came out. It was one of those moments when the filter that stops you actually verbalizing your inner thoughts, malfunctions and you find yourself saying them out loud (unfortunately I find that happens to me quite often).

“Shame you didn’t live in the UK, you could get one for free there – mind you, you’d probably have to scrape it off the road!”  Then I sort of smirked which I really regret. 

The women looked at me with disgust and one of the woman tried to put her hand protectively around the hedgehog – except she couldn’t because of the spikes (you see totally useless as a pet).   Then I hastily picked up the lime green Martha Stewart storage box (only $6.95 -total bargain for celebrity endorsed merchandise) and made my way to the checkout.

That’s probably the last time I’ll go into a pet shop!

Bye y’all!

Sobbing in Public – it’s nothing to be ashamed of!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I just want to say THANK YOU to the lovely lady in Aveda who offered me a hug (and bag full of free samples – yay!) yesterday. 

There was I, an emotional wreck, dry unkempt hair,  oily make-free skin strewn with blemish after blemish, tired sullen eyes with dark shadows so ominous and grey they were worthy of a tornado warning.   (Well everyone has a bad day don’t they?  I mean even Jennifer Lopez must have a rough day musn’t she?  Doesn’t she?… Maybe not…sigh.)

And there was she, Erin – Aveda Sales Assistant,  round and buxom, in a maternal way, reassuring wrinkles and dimples, greying hair swept back in a tidy chignon and wearing a pinny (you can never underestimate the comforting power of a pinny).

As I scanned the shelves, reaching out for the Eye Sift and Lift Cream, the Skin Armour Face Mask and rather intriguing Gumba Mamba Bath Oil, Erin handed me a cup of purifying Tea, which tasted so disgusting I knew it was good for me.   So frail was my emotional state that this simple gesture brought tears to my eyes.

“Aw,” she said in a warm sing-song voice, rather like a hen clucking to her chicks. “Do you need a hug?”

Ten minutes later, as my sobs rang out through the entire store and several potential customers had come and fled, I think she may have regretted the offer.  Eventually I pulled away reaching for an organic, non-bleached towelette and blew my nose.  The saleslady scanned her shoulder and patted it dry with a tissue. 

“Thanks ever so much,” I said. 

“Oh you’re welcome honey,” she replied.  At which point I began to sob quietly again.

“You…(sob)…are …(sniff)…so…(sob)…nice (small wail)…”

“Right…let’s see if we can find you some samples shall we?’  Erin muttered nervously. 

I collected my things together and as I left Erin handed me the rather generous bag of freebies  and a business-card.

“This is the number for my therapist…why don’t you give her a call?” She smiled, gently guiding my towards the door.

“Oh thanks but I don’t think I need a therapist! I feel much better now!”  I gushed.  And with a grin worthy of an American Idol Judge,  I was gone, on my way to Banana Republic and hopefully a super-stylish J-Lo make-over!

Ah there’s nothing to lift the spirits like a good old public sob!

Bye y’all!

The Couric Interview

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2010 by Ella Slayne

Camera opens up on a studio, with a very modern set, Josie and Katie Couric sit opposite each other on two uncomfortable looking Euro-pop style chairs with just small, minimalist metal table between them.  The set lighting is stark to give the impression that this is serious journalism.

“Hello and welcome to Katie’s Fifteen Minutes Of Fame where I interview a rising star in the world of Art and Entertainment.  I am joined here today by Josie Jenkins, fictional character and winner of numerous blog awards.  Hello Josie, thank you for joining me today.”

“Thankyou for having me, Katie and may I just say that I have always been a fan, especially when you did that voice-over bit on Shark Tale  – you sounded great, even though you looked like a fish!”

“Oh thank you very much, it was a long time ago.” Katie looks a little embarrassed.  Josie, oblivious of course, continues.

“Yes I thought that was actually quite brave because you’re like a serious journalist – well semi-serious, I mean it’s hardly BBC is it? –  it could have totally screwed up your career.”

There is an uncomfortable pause.  Eventually Couric coughs. 

“Well we’re not here to talk about me.” (Forced smile) “Josie Jenkins you came from nothing, literally, and now have a career which spans across literature and film.  How are you coping with this new-found fame?”

Josie smiles, and looks like she is resisting the temptation to whoop loudly.  “Life has certainly changed but I think I’m coping okay.  Trying to keep my feet firmly on the ground.  I think it helps that I had a modest background.”

“Yes let’s just talk about that for a minute.  You are originally from the North of England and now currently live in Dallas, Texas.  That must be quite a contrast?”

“It is yes.  I was brought up in a semi-detached 1930’s house, my bedroom was probably the size of my current closet!”  She laughs.   “But you know, I was happy, even though I didn’t have an en suite bedroom.” (she sighs and looks wistfully to camera)  “Yes it was tough, but like I said, we were happy.”  She smiles and takes a sip of water.

“Recently you have been the subject of some tabloid interest and there are rumours that you and your creator, Ella Slayne, have had a falling-out.  Is that true?”  Couric glances down at her paper.  “In fact it seems she refused to take part in this interview when approached by CBS.”

“I’m glad you brought this up Katie because it gives me an opportunity finally put a stop to the nonsense that has been going around in the papers.  Ella Slayne and I are still very close and in touch with each other every day.  She is currently working on other projects – we both have our own lives to lead you know Katie.  And may I just add that I am also not a shoplifter either. It was an honest mistake, I was holding the Gucci dress in my hand when I rushed outside to say hello to an old friend.  The whole thing was blown completely out of proportion.  Crikey those places have major security systems – I had ringing in my ears for weeks after that! Oh and it was not a bottle of whiskey the police confiscated, it was a miniature bottle of orange liquor I’d been given on the plane to LA.”  Josie is fiddling with her hair, her cheeks are flushed.

Katie Couric smiles condescendingly.  “Let’s move onto a lighter note shall we?  It seems you have received not one but two awards recently.  Tell us about them.”

“Oh yes I’m so excited about this.  I’ve recently been given the One Lovely Blog award and the You’re Going Places award – and when Ella can work out how to transfer their pictures onto my blog page you’ll be able to see them. One of them has a rather fetching photo of Humphrey Bogart I believe!  They are both from Miss Rosemary, you should take a look at her blog, Katie, you might like it, it’s full of helpful ramblings and tips.  Here’s the link: http://disgruntledwriterscircle.wordpress.com/. I am so grateful to her for noticing me and acknowledging me in this way.”  Josie turns to camera. “I hope this televised thank you makes up for the fact that those very expensive chocolates I sent got lost in the post, ahem.”   

“And you are also working on a biography at the moment – is that right?”

“Yes I am! It’s called Jumping Off The Page  – the trials and tribulations of a fictional character.  I like to think of it as a life story from a different perspective, you know?”

“How are you finding the writing process?”

“Oh I’m not actually writing it myself!  No I’ve got someone in to do that for me.  Isn’t that what all the stars do?”

Couric turns to camera.  “I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got time for today.  Josie Jenkins thank you for joining me on Katie’s Fifteen Minutes of Fame.”  

As the camera pans out, we see Josie lean forward and point her nose towards Katie Couric and say: “Do I have a bogey up my nose?  Because if so, we’ll have to do the whole thing again…”