Archive for beauty spa

A Hairy Fantasy!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2011 by Ella Slayne

So I wouldn’t usually share one of my fantasies with you guys – after all they’re private right?  I mean who would want to share such an intimate thing with the whole world via the internet?  Not me that’s for sure  – although actually I have no say in the matter because it’s up to Ella and quite frankly she seems to have no concern whatsoever telling the world all my private details!

But this is a fantasy I don’t mind sharing – although I’m not suggesting anyone tries to do the whole psychoanalysis number on it! 

At the moment I am having a fantasy of walking down the street in shorts and extremely hairy legs.  Actually not just hairy legs, hairy armpits too!   In my fantasy I am walking freely, hair sprouting forth on my limbs at the amazement and admiration of all who pass by.  I can hear them gasp at the wonder of my downy legs and bushy underarms. I feel no embarrassment.  No! In fact I feel like a goddess. A cilial-covered goddess!

I think my fantasy has something to do with the arrival of summer and the need to de-hair regularly all of sudden.  Not that I don’t de-hair during the rest of the year – obviously I do – but let’s face it, it’s a lot easier to hide a few days leg hair growth under a pair of long jeans isn’t it? 

But now it’s swimming season and so the pressure is on to have smooth, soft, hairless skin again.  I know I shouldn’t feel that I have to slap on the Nair or haul out the Gillette.  I mean I know that whether I have hair on my legs or not does not define my beauty.  And even though my rational head tells me that there shouldn’t be a difference between men and women’s collection of bristles, my gut instinctively seems to say otherwise.  I tried the natural look, years ago when I was a student (and single coincidentally)  but it didn’t last long before I was ripping it all away with sugar wax from the BodyShop.   The truth is though that even though it is completely natural for women to have body hair and I just don’t feel comfortable exposing my fuzz! 

But it is such a drag!!!!!!!!!  Isn’t it?  Keeping up with hair removal is a bore and continual hassle – not to mention embarrassing – as anyone who has endured a bikini wax knows – and let me just say those paper panties do not cover up a thing!  It is truly a mortifying experience trying to continue a conversation with one’s beautician while one’s practically naked bum is stuck up in the air! 

Needless to say I’m already longing for Autumn’s return when my bristles and I can hide away behind cardigans and trousers again.  

Bye y’all!

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Designing Death Masks

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2010 by Ella Slayne

I read an article recently on death masks and I’ve decided I want one.   I mean, what a perfect way to stay immortal and make sure that you’re nearest and dearest don’t forget you?  

Except I’m not going to wait until I’m dead, because chances are that at that stage in the game I will not be in my prime – I mean after all I’ll be dead – it’s hardly one’s best look is it?   No.  So I’m thinking about having one made now, while I’m young (relatively) and I’m going to smile so that I look cheery because who wants to be the kill-joy in the corner of the room huh?  I mean you don’t want all the rellies to say “Oh look there’s Aunty So-and-So, she was a right grump?” And then what if, in like say a hundred years from now, they take your death mask to Antiques Roadshow and the expert says “Oh yes this is an old death mask worth a bob or two, shame she’s such an ugly old trout!”  On National Television – mortifying! 

So I’m thinking that one’s death mask’s value would be greatly increased with a smile. 

Oh and I may ask the artist or sculptor  – or whatever you call the people who make death masks (apart from weirdos obviously because lets face it, it is a bit strange to make a living taking casts of dead people) – to plump my lips up a bit and perhaps just iron out the wrinkle on the top of my forehead.  And actually if they could just  make me look a bit more like Nicole Kidman that would go down well… it wouldn’t take much really… even out my chin a bit … and maybe lift the eyes a tad….Now where’s the Yellow Pages?

Ah. There doesn’t appear to be a section for Death Mask…what a pity.

 Bye y’all!

Beware The Home Remedy!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2010 by Ella Slayne

You’re probably aware by now that I’m a fan of toiletries.  I admit it, unashamedly, I love all that stuff – lotions and potions that claim to do all sorts of wonderful things like detoxify or purify.  My real weakness has to be body lotion, although a good eye cream is hard to resist.  

Yes I have absolutely stacks of toiletries in my bathroom – in fact there’s hardly any room for the toothpaste.  I’ve got the classics like Coconut Cream and Lavender Lotion and I’ve got the exotics like Jasmine and Orchid Essence. I’ve  even got one or two rather odd sounding creams like  Flax-Seed and Nutmeg Anti-Wrinkle Emolient and Gherkin Green-Tea Lengthening Lotion (no, not really but you get the idea). 

We all know, it can get pretty surreal when you venture out into the world of natural remedies and I really believed that I was prepared to try anything, anything,  if it promised me a wrinkle free chin!

 But now I realise, I have met my match.  As of today, I hold up my hands and surrender to the Natural Remedy Slayer! 

It all happened while I was absent mindedly flicking through my book of Home Remedies  – a freebie from the lovely people at National Public Radio – I could have had a Think mug with Krys Boyd’s face on it, but that required a donation of over a hundred dollars and quite frankly I wasn’t prepared to go that far! 

Anyway,  after finding out that ginger was good at relieving migraines and mayonnaise was perfect for suffocating head-lice (who knew?), I happened to stumble on a section entitled Barnyard Remedies For Dry Skin.  The title itself should have been a warning sign. 

And this folks, is what they suggest for dry skin:  Bag Balm!  Also known as… UDDER CREAM

Honestly people,  are you suggesting I cover my body with the same stuff used to soothe the chapped udders of cows?Really?  And get this: apparently it has the drawback of being “greasy and smelly” to boot!  I mean, way to sell it guys!   Let me just call the Dairy Association right now and see if they have any spare tubs!

Now I have done some pretty strange things in the name of beauty – like smear mashed watercress and honeyed oatmeal on my face.  I’ve even slopped french vanilla yoghurt you-know-where! (Well haven’t we all? No? Oh… is that just an old wives tale then?!)

But this?  Advocating the use cow NIPPLE cream?  This is crossing the line!  Crossing–the–line!

Bye y’all!

A Conditioner Crisis!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on March 19, 2010 by Ella Slayne

I recently treated myself to a new hair shampoo and matching conditioner. It’s one of those ones that you can’t buy just anywhere.  You can only buy it in beauty spas and hair salons. Such exculsivity makes it terribly expensive and also somehow means it will have much better nourishing and volumizing properties than any of its cheaper competitors.  It’s strange isn’t it, how when you’re standing in the bright lights of the supermarket aisle it seems completely silly to spend $28 on a sea kelp enriched shampoo – somehow it wouldn’t  look right next to the deli-sliced ham and value pack loo roll –  but when you’re in the dimly lit spa, listening to the dulcet tones of Enya, having just had a Deep Cleansing Facial Mist, spending nearly $100 on hair products seems the only sensible thing to do?

So far it seems pretty good; smells nice, makes my hair feel soft  – which is a huge feat in itself because as I may have mentioned before my hair is prone to dry frizz.  There is a small problem however. 

The directions on the bottle of conditioner state very clearly that you have to leave it on for two minutes before rinsing off.  Which, quite frankly, has added a bit of stress to my morning routine.  I mean two minutes is pretty difficult to time in a shower – there is no clock in my bathroom and I do not wear a watch, waterproof or otherwise.  I use my phone for time-keeping which is most certainly not waterproof – I know this because I dropped it in a puddle once and it conked out on me. I had to buy a replacement in the end because even drying it out in the Texas sun could not bring it back to life!  Thank goodness I only buy the cheapest model VirginMobile has to offer, the stress of having a pricey cell would be too much for me to handle.  

Oops I’m rambling… so back to me, in the shower, with luxury conditioner on my head, trying to work out whether it has been there for two minutes or not.  There are things you can do to pass time of course, shave legs, exfoliate with a bamboo body brush or even do a quick mid-shower squeegee (see Feb post, Succumbing to the Squeegee) but how do I know if they take two minutes or not?  I’ve never timed such activities, obviously, and what if I accidently leave it on longer than that?  Will it start to burn my scalp?  Will it begin to over-condition perhaps?  And is that bad for my hair?  Then there’s the problem of not leaving it on long enough?  Does that mean I am not taking full advantage of all it’s super-conditioning sea kelp properties?   Am I then washing away all the goodness of the ocean down my hair-matted plughole?

Honestly, if the stuff has to be so expensive because it’s scientifically formulated, couldn’t the experts have spent a bit of time formulating it so it doesn’t have to be left on for two minutes – can’t be that difficult can it? After all they apprently worked out how to hydrate and condition every individual hair follicle

I wonder if I should have just bought a big bottle of Frizz Control Pantene instead…

Bye y’all!