Archive for April, 2011

Let’s Get Royal!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2011 by Ella Slayne

Ok,  I admit it, I am getting a bit excited about the BIG WEDDING on Friday!  I’ve never been a full-on royalist or anything but let’s face it, as my Aunty Meg used to say:  who doesn’t love a good do?  

I am very excited to see THE DRESS and am hoping that Kate goes for the full sparkles-puffed-out-skirt-tiara look because … well she’s a princess for goodness sake!  This in not the time to hold back! I love a bit of Vera Wang, don’t get me wrong (well I would if I could afford it) but a Royal Wedding calls for bling on a large scale if you ask me. 

I do hope she has someone fully au fait with Royal Glamour advising her on this (and not just the people from What Not To Wear).  I would do it, but I’m absolutely snowed under at work, so…you know…I’m…unavailable but thanks for asking…not! 

Actually come to think of it a representative from the Walt Disney animating team might be better because after all, they know how to do the princess look don’t they?  She’s already got the hair.  All they have to do is maybe accentuated her curves a little so that her boobs look completely out of proportion with the rest of her body, give her tiny feet and a high singing voice – perfect! 

Not so bothered about what William wears, to me a suit, is a suit, is a suit…blah, blah, blah!  But can I just say that after watching all the BBC America footage about my future king: isn’t he a lovely bloke?   He’s sufficiently regal yet also one of us (except that he has a posh voice and loads of body-guards). He’d look good in a crown or a woolly hat, he is able to be serious and stately and then crack a joke with the lads. And he’s very outdoorsy which I always think is a plus in a man.

Yes, I’m very impressed.   He can come and royally shake my hand any day!   Seriously Wills… just call my secretary and we can set that up.  What’s that? Your busy saving the tigers in Africa and arranging the BIGGEST WEDDING OF THE CENTURY?  Oh…let’s take a rain check then.

Right, if you’ll excuse me, I must go and polish my tiara and make some cucumber sandwiches!

Bye y’all!

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Sobbing in Public – it’s nothing to be ashamed of!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I just want to say THANK YOU to the lovely lady in Aveda who offered me a hug (and bag full of free samples – yay!) yesterday. 

There was I, an emotional wreck, dry unkempt hair,  oily make-free skin strewn with blemish after blemish, tired sullen eyes with dark shadows so ominous and grey they were worthy of a tornado warning.   (Well everyone has a bad day don’t they?  I mean even Jennifer Lopez must have a rough day musn’t she?  Doesn’t she?… Maybe not…sigh.)

And there was she, Erin – Aveda Sales Assistant,  round and buxom, in a maternal way, reassuring wrinkles and dimples, greying hair swept back in a tidy chignon and wearing a pinny (you can never underestimate the comforting power of a pinny).

As I scanned the shelves, reaching out for the Eye Sift and Lift Cream, the Skin Armour Face Mask and rather intriguing Gumba Mamba Bath Oil, Erin handed me a cup of purifying Tea, which tasted so disgusting I knew it was good for me.   So frail was my emotional state that this simple gesture brought tears to my eyes.

“Aw,” she said in a warm sing-song voice, rather like a hen clucking to her chicks. “Do you need a hug?”

Ten minutes later, as my sobs rang out through the entire store and several potential customers had come and fled, I think she may have regretted the offer.  Eventually I pulled away reaching for an organic, non-bleached towelette and blew my nose.  The saleslady scanned her shoulder and patted it dry with a tissue. 

“Thanks ever so much,” I said. 

“Oh you’re welcome honey,” she replied.  At which point I began to sob quietly again.

“You…(sob)…are …(sniff)…so…(sob)…nice (small wail)…”

“Right…let’s see if we can find you some samples shall we?’  Erin muttered nervously. 

I collected my things together and as I left Erin handed me the rather generous bag of freebies  and a business-card.

“This is the number for my therapist…why don’t you give her a call?” She smiled, gently guiding my towards the door.

“Oh thanks but I don’t think I need a therapist! I feel much better now!”  I gushed.  And with a grin worthy of an American Idol Judge,  I was gone, on my way to Banana Republic and hopefully a super-stylish J-Lo make-over!

Ah there’s nothing to lift the spirits like a good old public sob!

Bye y’all!

A Clock Revelation!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2011 by Ella Slayne

Oh joy! Today I realised that the clock in my car has been running about six minutes fast!  This means that for months, nay possibly a year, I have been arriving at work, meetings, hair salons thinking that  have been late when in fact I have actually been on time!  This is good news.  Although it does mean that I have been apologizing like a bumbling fool unnecessarily and could explain why I’ve been getting those quizzical looks.

 I see myself differently now since the car-clock revelation…I am no longer a scatter-brained, frizzy haired wally with appearance of un-groomed poodle, I am in fact smooth, sophisticated business woman worthy of an appearance on one of those in-depth economic analysis programmes where the key is to look serious and knowledgeable, even though you may not be (it doesn’t matter because no-one really watches those programmes  – they only watch the first five minutes and then switch over to Animal Hoarders or Cake Boss…don’t they?… Ahem!) 

So I recommend this running-behind-clock technique to everyone as a self-esteem boost.  Although it wouldn’t really work in you knew that your clock was running behind because then you’d probably over-compensate and end up being late anyway.  So you’d have to get someone to sneak into your car when you’re not looking and change the clock.  Except you’d know that you’d asked them to do it, so then you would always be suspicious of them and the clock in your car so that might not work either. 

Actually you could do it by mentioning it to the garage next time you take the car in for a service.  So when they ask you if it needs an oil change you could say: “Yes, and you might want to look at the clock.” And then give them a huge comical wink.  Except that wouldn’t work because then they’d probably think you were flirting with them and this could result  in a very awkward situation – or a couple of hundred extra dollars on your bill which wouldn’t be great either!

So actually I don’t recommend it to anyone after all.  Except if it happens by accident, like it did to me and then to those people I say: “Lucky you – welcome to my world, the world of the sleek and sassy.” 

Unless of course your clock is accidentally too slow.  If that’s the case…well you’re on your own kid!

Soap, soap…and more soap!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2011 by Ella Slayne

Over the past few days I have come across fourteen different types of bars of soaps, in various establishments – restaurants, hotel rooms (yes I have been away at last.  Business or pleasure? Was I alone?  Ah you’ll have to wait and see…), other people’s houses (not that I snoop or anything!)  

Anyway, who knew there were so many?  So that you too can be soap savvy, I have listed them below…

face soap (Something with such a plain title as this, is not going anywhere near my face!)

body soap

hand soap

bath soap (Isn’t this just a posh way of saying bog-standard,average soap?)

face scub bar (Be careful here – one doesn’t want to risk looking like one has had a chemical peel!)

body scrub bar

gentle soap (Much needed after all that scrubbing!)

extra gentle soap (Well some of us have more sensitive skin…)

cleansing bar (Aah…the word cleansing is so comforting isn’t it?)

body bar

detoxifying bar (Oh yes  – always happy to detox!)

moisturizing soap bar for face

moisturizing soap bar for body (Your all-over skin condition has got to pretty poor to need this one – are we feeling a bit flaky dear?)

refreshing soap

luxury soap (Well that’s more like it!  Just tell me it’s enriched with almond oil and avocado and I’m all yours!)

And I haven’t even started on fragrance or liquid soaps!  Now where is that soap dispenser…

Bye y’all!