Archive for February, 2011

Mobile Phone Banter!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I had a bit of a Lindsay Lohan moment the other day!  It was so humiliating, nearly brought me out in spots and had me reaching for the Proactive!  And I just want to say before I go any further that I am innocent  – I did not intend to steal the deluxe, plastic toilet plunger from Home Depot, it was a mistake for which I am truly sorry.

Here’s what happened…

I’m in the local DIY shop – not a place I often frequent to be honest, but this was an emergency involving the loo and a bit of an overflow – need I say more?  Anyway so there I am walking up and down the oh-so-scintilating aisles, fathoming my way through the rather expansive hook collection and grout utensils, when I’m distracted by someone yelling into his mobile phone. 

I’m not a big fan of mobile phones to be honest  – or cell phones as they call them over here.  I do have one, it’s almost rude not to really, but it’s mostly for emergencies or the odd text.  People try calling me and can never get through – most of the time the battery’s dead.  

I am also not a fan of being forced to listen-in on other people’s private conversations.  It’s hard enough to keep track of my own comings-and-goings never mind having to get involved in someone’s else’s.  You see my problem is I can’t ignore these public chats.  If I over-hear someone revealing their adultery standing in line at the supermarket – I want to know more, in fact I want to follow them home, sit them at the kitchen table and talk it through with a cup of tea.  And if I hear that Grandpa’s dog has to be re-homed I’m practically in tears – especially when I find out that the dog is heart-worm positive and lives in Wyoming!  You see the problem – I go home and I worry about these people.  Crikey I’m the type of person who has sleepless nights over the couple having a disastrous kitchen make-over on Design for a Dime! (Which let’s face it, is a flawed concept. Don’t get me started!)

Anyway back in Home Depot, I’m trying to concentrate and in front of me is this bloke nattering away on his cell, very loudly which in itself would have been enough to get my back up but even worse he was having a row with the person on the other end of the phone.  So there I am, listening to this guy yell his head off. “I told him it was the wrong way round before!” He shouts.  “No I won’t give the money back!” He booms.  It was so annoying and, quite frankly,  a tad stressful.  I mean I’m trying to focus on locating the correct plunging tool (who knew there are so many to choose from?)  and all the time I’m being distracted by Mr Boomy-Chops.  And now I’m worrying about what has happened? Is it serious – are we talking mis-aligned bathroom tiles or someone’s breast implants?

Then as I’m trying to pay, there he is again, in front of me huffing and puffing, sweat on his forehead, looking a bit red in the face and I’m thinking: “My God he’s going to have a heart attack!”    And I’m so worried that he’s going to  keel over and pop his biceps, that I end up walking out of the shop without paying for my plunger. 

The next thing I know all the alarms  are going off and I’m surrounded by security guards.  And while Mr Boomy-Chops heads out to his car, seemingly all sweetness and light now, I’m wondering who will pay my bail! 

I do think the security guards in Home Depot are a little over zealous – quite honestly, if I was going to steal anything I’d pick something a bit more stylish than a loo-plunger – give  me some credit!  I’m a B-list celebrity…well more like an G-list but we have our place in Hollywood too you know! 

Actually maybe I should buy an I-phone after all…is that how you spell it?  Is it I-phone or Iphone?  Oh maybe it’s IPhone…

Bye y’all!

Eyelash Horror!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I was watching telly the other day and a commercial comes on advertising an eyelash enhancer.  It wasn’t just your usual thickening mascara.  No, apparently this stuff makes you grow more eyelashes!  So there I am, munching on a crumpet, and there’s this lady prancing about, fluttering her eyelashes at the camera with a smug smile.  Meanwhile the voice-over is telling me all about deficient eye-lash growth and how I no longer have to feel embarrassed about poor, thin eyelashes anymore.  

Which would be a relief, except that up until that point I had actually not been at all worried about the state of my eyelashes.  I was happy  just slapping on a coat of volumizing charcoal mascara , content that my eyelashes were up to standard.  But no, apparently, that may not be the case!

So now I put down my crumpet and dash off to the bathroom for a quick look.  And as I’m peering at myself, and my possibly inferior quality eyelashes, I’m thinking:  is it not enough that we have to worry about the size of our stomach, the firmness of our upper-arm, and cellulite in our thighs?  Do we not have enough to work on trying to get our hair shiny, our boobs pert and our pores clear?  Is it not enough that we have to buff our backs and scrub our chins?  That we detox our rank insides by drinking foul-tasting tea and eating fat-free yoghurt? And that we use up half our salary on vitamins and spa treatments, and spend so long exercising that we sweat ourselves into a frenzy and scare the local dogs?

I mean really – can we not just be content with our piddly, insignificant EYELASHES?  

I go back into the TV, the voice-over is telling me that this new revolutionary eye-lash producer is now available in my local pharmacy.  Seriously?  Could the beauty experts, the serious looking men in white lab-coats, just not leave the eyelashes alone and give us just one, small area that is worry-free?  Apparently not!

Bye y’all!

Valentine’s Day

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, writing with tags , , , , , on February 14, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I knew there was a reason I bought those love-heart knickers from Target! 😉 

 Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Bye y’all!

Snowed In – in Texas of all places!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , on February 3, 2011 by Ella Slayne

I’m completely snowed in at the moment.  The parking lot and pathways around my apartment block are iced over which mean it’s impossible to leave the building – can’t get any groceries, go to the gym (oh dear!) and even worse than that I had to cancel my all-over body green tea detoxifying massage at the local spa – humph!  The office is closed, although thanks to the wonders of technology I can still work from home which is a bit of a downer. 

The power went out for three hours yesterday which meant I had to tape my hot water bottle to my stomach. I imagine hulking a couple of pounds of fluid on your tummy must be what it feels like to be pregnant – how do those maternal ladies do it – my back is killing me today!!

And the television is full of journalists in snow hats and gloves, looking a tad bewildered – probably wondering whether their fake tans look a bit out of place.   In the end I switched it off because there’s only so many times you can look at a truck broken down on the motorway and still find it interesting.  Besides I had an apricot and lavendar bath to run – well might as well make good use of the time eh?

In the meantime there’s dangerous poltical unrest in Egypt but let’s not get side-tracked, after all de-icing  the highway so that the Packers (or whoever they are) can get to the SuperBowl is far more important…

Luckily I have some food in the freezer but supplies are getting low – I shall have to be creative tonight…peanut butter and ginger rice casserole I think…yum!

Keep warm and safe everyone!

Bye y’all!