Archive for October, 2010

Happy is the day when …

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2010 by Ella Slayne

Happy is the day when… you realise you have finally come to the end of the Raspberry and Grapefruit so-invigorating-it-almost-stings body wash and now have an excuse to go and peruse the cosmetic shelves of Target once again…

Not so great is … when you realise you put your towel in the laundry and forgot to replace it – oh the joys of scuttling across the apartment naked, clutching everything that wobbles!

 Bye y’all!

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Just a thought…

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , on October 20, 2010 by Ella Slayne

Yes I may have had a couple of glasses of wine but it’s amazing what a good Shiraz can do!  As I was slumping away, glass in hand, watching some drivel on the telly, fading in and out of a wine induced snooze – I had an epiphany if such magnitude and wisdom it seems only fair I share it with you.  So brace yourselves because quite frankly you may never be the same again…(By the way, I like to think it’s in the style of Oscar Wilde or George Bernard Shaw.  You know, the kind of thing you’d see on a Barnes & Noble coffee mug. Except I’m not sure it’s grammatically correct but then I don’t think that famous people have to worry about that sort of thing.  I mean, they probably have a grammar expert on call don’t they?)

“It would seem that those with the strongest opinion, often have the weakest argument.”

Josie Jenkins

Gosh it looks even more clever in print!  OMG is that Oprah calling again… I think I must have inspired another Aha moment! 😉

Bye y’all seems inappropriate now…er…let’s try…

Adieu mes amis!

(ooh I like that!)

Beware The Home Remedy!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2010 by Ella Slayne

You’re probably aware by now that I’m a fan of toiletries.  I admit it, unashamedly, I love all that stuff – lotions and potions that claim to do all sorts of wonderful things like detoxify or purify.  My real weakness has to be body lotion, although a good eye cream is hard to resist.  

Yes I have absolutely stacks of toiletries in my bathroom – in fact there’s hardly any room for the toothpaste.  I’ve got the classics like Coconut Cream and Lavender Lotion and I’ve got the exotics like Jasmine and Orchid Essence. I’ve  even got one or two rather odd sounding creams like  Flax-Seed and Nutmeg Anti-Wrinkle Emolient and Gherkin Green-Tea Lengthening Lotion (no, not really but you get the idea). 

We all know, it can get pretty surreal when you venture out into the world of natural remedies and I really believed that I was prepared to try anything, anything,  if it promised me a wrinkle free chin!

 But now I realise, I have met my match.  As of today, I hold up my hands and surrender to the Natural Remedy Slayer! 

It all happened while I was absent mindedly flicking through my book of Home Remedies  – a freebie from the lovely people at National Public Radio – I could have had a Think mug with Krys Boyd’s face on it, but that required a donation of over a hundred dollars and quite frankly I wasn’t prepared to go that far! 

Anyway,  after finding out that ginger was good at relieving migraines and mayonnaise was perfect for suffocating head-lice (who knew?), I happened to stumble on a section entitled Barnyard Remedies For Dry Skin.  The title itself should have been a warning sign. 

And this folks, is what they suggest for dry skin:  Bag Balm!  Also known as… UDDER CREAM

Honestly people,  are you suggesting I cover my body with the same stuff used to soothe the chapped udders of cows?Really?  And get this: apparently it has the drawback of being “greasy and smelly” to boot!  I mean, way to sell it guys!   Let me just call the Dairy Association right now and see if they have any spare tubs!

Now I have done some pretty strange things in the name of beauty – like smear mashed watercress and honeyed oatmeal on my face.  I’ve even slopped french vanilla yoghurt you-know-where! (Well haven’t we all? No? Oh… is that just an old wives tale then?!)

But this?  Advocating the use cow NIPPLE cream?  This is crossing the line!  Crossing–the–line!

Bye y’all!

Josie’s “Do’s and Don’t’s” When You’re In A Funk!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2010 by Ella Slayne

A funk can hit at any time but usually strikes at least once a month for us ladies!   Here’s a list of some of the do’s and don’t’s  I like to use to help me navigate my way out of the hole.  

DO:

Eat chocolate – there is a reason our ancestors harvested the cocoa bean – this is it!

Drink wine – preferably alone because no-one likes a grumpy drunk.

DO NOT:

Eat pasta or bread – when in a funk it is impossible to exercise portion control –  burning off a truck load of carbs is a daunting task and will most likely send you into another funk!

DO:

Make an official complaint about something – it is incredibly cathartic.

 Have a pedicure – it’s amazing what painted toes can do for a person!

Surround yourself with flowers – hang the expense! NB:  try not focus on the fact that they will most likely wither away and die in a week.

DO NOT:

Go shopping.  I know the urge to go on a spending spree during a funk is strong but YOU MUST RESIST!  Such reckless spending will most likely lead to a closet full of ill-fitting or unsuitable garments destined never to be worn and forever hindering your goal of achieving the illusive capsule wardrobe.  (Does anyone actually own one of these?)

DO, however:

Go into shops and spend time rearranging the clothes.   By that I mean transferring all the “SMALLS” to the back or really high up racks and moving all the “LARGE” and “EXTRA LARGE” to the front.  So satisfying!

Buy a ton of vitamins supplements.  Understand that the value of vitamin supplements is not whether they do actually work but the fact that we think they might!

DO NOT:

Go to the park – it will only make you feel worse to be around smiling, energetic people looking fit and happy.  Also parks generally attract children – IMPORTANT: women in funks should be kept AWAY from children.

DO:

Read self-help books – so that you can smirk and sneer in disgust – it will make you feel a whole lot better.

REMEMBER:

The good thing about a funk  is that it usually passes – eventually!

Bye y’all!