My Criminal Creator!

Well I am sorry to have to inform you all of this but the author of this blog, and my creator, is currently a … criminal!  Yes the words you read here are written by a person who has recently flouted the law and is currently on Driving Probation for three months!     

A couple of weeks ago Ella was caught speeding by a policeman with one of those ominous looking radar guns.   I am so embarrassed!  Am I embarrassed that she was speeding? No.  Am I embarrassed that she was stopped?  No.  The reason I am so  embarrassed is that she completely and spectacularly failed to talk herself out of it!

She had two things on her side: 1) A British accent and 2) an ample bosom.  When worked properly, both these things can serve to distract a Texan policeman from his duties and enable one to escape without a ticket.  How do I know this?  Because I have used such tactics on more than one occasion.  And before you get all feminist on me – I’m not saying get out of the car and do a lap dance – I’m just suggesting one enhances it a little, use a bit of the Queen’s English and make sure the low neck line is visible – that’s all I’m saying.

In Ella’s defence, she did have three kids yelling in the back which probably didn’t help.  Also she was wearing an  unflattering high-necked gym t-shirt making her bust look rather like an unsightly lump and obviously was unrevealing on the cleavage-front.   Her hair was not looking great either.   But even so, if she’d had her wits about her, she could have still gone charm offensive with the old pipes!  She could have waxed lyrical in her softest English accent and probably wooed him a bit.  But no.  

And get this – when he asked her if she was in an emergency she said –  I still can’t quite believe it – “My son is late for Martial Arts.”  Er…that doesn’t really constitute an emergency Ella! 

I mean, everybody knows you need to make something up like: “I’m on my way to have my bowel purged due to chronic diarrhoea” (and then shift uncomfortably in your seat) or “I’m driving myself to ER because I keep throwing up everywhere” (if you do some fake retching and lean over the side of the car, it works a treat   – it takes those coppers ages to get their shoes shiny.  It’s amazing what the threat of vomit will do!) 

All I’m saying is, you’ve got to get creative and make an effort!   Otherwise you can’t expect him to let you off – I mean the guy has an ego!

So anyway now she’s driving everywhere at an annoying snail’s pace and causing more than one or two drivers to beep loudly.  Am a little concerned she’s gonna be the butt of some road-rage before this probation period is out.  Oh I wonder if the old accent and cleavage things works for that too?

Bye y’all!