My Criminal Creator!

Well I am sorry to have to inform you all of this but the author of this blog, and my creator, is currently a … criminal!  Yes the words you read here are written by a person who has recently flouted the law and is currently on Driving Probation for three months!     

A couple of weeks ago Ella was caught speeding by a policeman with one of those ominous looking radar guns.   I am so embarrassed!  Am I embarrassed that she was speeding? No.  Am I embarrassed that she was stopped?  No.  The reason I am so  embarrassed is that she completely and spectacularly failed to talk herself out of it!

She had two things on her side: 1) A British accent and 2) an ample bosom.  When worked properly, both these things can serve to distract a Texan policeman from his duties and enable one to escape without a ticket.  How do I know this?  Because I have used such tactics on more than one occasion.  And before you get all feminist on me – I’m not saying get out of the car and do a lap dance – I’m just suggesting one enhances it a little, use a bit of the Queen’s English and make sure the low neck line is visible – that’s all I’m saying.

In Ella’s defence, she did have three kids yelling in the back which probably didn’t help.  Also she was wearing an  unflattering high-necked gym t-shirt making her bust look rather like an unsightly lump and obviously was unrevealing on the cleavage-front.   Her hair was not looking great either.   But even so, if she’d had her wits about her, she could have still gone charm offensive with the old pipes!  She could have waxed lyrical in her softest English accent and probably wooed him a bit.  But no.  

And get this – when he asked her if she was in an emergency she said –  I still can’t quite believe it – “My son is late for Martial Arts.”  Er…that doesn’t really constitute an emergency Ella! 

I mean, everybody knows you need to make something up like: “I’m on my way to have my bowel purged due to chronic diarrhoea” (and then shift uncomfortably in your seat) or “I’m driving myself to ER because I keep throwing up everywhere” (if you do some fake retching and lean over the side of the car, it works a treat   – it takes those coppers ages to get their shoes shiny.  It’s amazing what the threat of vomit will do!) 

All I’m saying is, you’ve got to get creative and make an effort!   Otherwise you can’t expect him to let you off – I mean the guy has an ego!

So anyway now she’s driving everywhere at an annoying snail’s pace and causing more than one or two drivers to beep loudly.  Am a little concerned she’s gonna be the butt of some road-rage before this probation period is out.  Oh I wonder if the old accent and cleavage things works for that too?

Bye y’all!


6 Responses to “My Criminal Creator!”

  1. Haha, Josie! Being a fictional character, you ubderestimate the dread that one feels at the unwanted sight of flashing lights behind your car, and how tongue-tied one tends to get in that situation. My sympathies totally lie with Ella on this one!

  2. Thank you Hema! 🙂 Josie doesn’t have kids so could not possibly understand how getting to a martial arts class on time can consitute as an emergency either! 😉 Ella

  3. I don’t know what answer they expect from the whole “what’s the emergency?” question either. One time I was pulled over rushing to get my 3 year old to the doctor with a raging ear infection when the office was about to close. Even with my son screaming in the backseat, I still managed to get a ticket for only going like 7 over the limit! Feel for you, Ella! If your gorgeous accent couldn’t save you we’re all doomed 🙂

  4. Oh Texas. I drive in the Bronx everyday. No one bats an eye at anything outrageous. In fact, if you are a cautious, normal driver, you are beeped at mericlessly.

  5. Ella: A similar incident in my younger life…four kids, three dogs, a guinea pig and a rabbit plus refrigerated food in the car, all being moved from one side of Oahu to another, rush hour traffice…(couldn’t get out of the old house any sooner)…and I saw the flashing red lights! I had crossed a solid white line to get to the freeway exit I needed…horrors! No mercy from that man. so I took my ticket ad moved on…but I think of him to this day! Hope he turned bald!!

  6. OH! poor poor Ella. I feel for you, girl.


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