Archive for June, 2010

Loo De-Stress

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , on June 13, 2010 by Ella Slayne

OMG!  I just had to share this with you.  I’m not sure if Ella has mentioned on this blog yet, but I have a bit of a thing about loos, or restrooms!  It’s definitely in the book,  so I won’t bore you with too many details but the fact is that loo cubicles can be a source of stress for me. So much so that it can seriously halt my ability to pee in some situations.   I have an issue with door locks you see.  The worst are those kind which you lock using the door handle and then they automatically unlock when you open the door – I prefer a bolt because then there is no risk of thinking you have locked to the door, only to find out when someone walks in on you that you haven’t!  Doesn’t bear thinking about really!

Anyway I went to a cafe this morning for a bit of a sit-down and slurp of coffee, as you do, and inevitably upon leaving said establishment, I nipped to the loo.   My first thought was oh no, this loo cubicle is too big for me to ram the door shut with my leg and so I made a quick assessment of the door lock.  To my UTTER JOY I found that the owner of the cafe had made a sign, with diagrams, explaining what the lock looked like when it was locked and unlocked.   What a fabulous idea!  And it was handmade!  Some dear person had taken the time to draw a picture of the loo-lock and so save people like me from the stress and worry, and possible embarrassment, of being exposed while on the loo!  And quite frankly, every loo should have one – it should be a requirement just like those employees must wash their hands signs.

In fact the whole set-up was pretty nice actually, soft loo-roll, a nice wide hand-basin and one of those subtle hand driers that doesn’t mess up your hair as well. Yes they’d done a pretty good job – except for the lack of soap.  There was just an old bottle of AlmondWipeAwaysoap,  which was empty.

Anyway the sign more than makes up for that!  I still can’t quite over it and I’ll tell you something, I’d like to shake that person’s hand – providing they hadn’t just been to the loo of course!

Bye y’all!

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My Criminal Creator!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , on June 7, 2010 by Ella Slayne

Well I am sorry to have to inform you all of this but the author of this blog, and my creator, is currently a … criminal!  Yes the words you read here are written by a person who has recently flouted the law and is currently on Driving Probation for three months!     

A couple of weeks ago Ella was caught speeding by a policeman with one of those ominous looking radar guns.   I am so embarrassed!  Am I embarrassed that she was speeding? No.  Am I embarrassed that she was stopped?  No.  The reason I am so  embarrassed is that she completely and spectacularly failed to talk herself out of it!

She had two things on her side: 1) A British accent and 2) an ample bosom.  When worked properly, both these things can serve to distract a Texan policeman from his duties and enable one to escape without a ticket.  How do I know this?  Because I have used such tactics on more than one occasion.  And before you get all feminist on me – I’m not saying get out of the car and do a lap dance – I’m just suggesting one enhances it a little, use a bit of the Queen’s English and make sure the low neck line is visible – that’s all I’m saying.

In Ella’s defence, she did have three kids yelling in the back which probably didn’t help.  Also she was wearing an  unflattering high-necked gym t-shirt making her bust look rather like an unsightly lump and obviously was unrevealing on the cleavage-front.   Her hair was not looking great either.   But even so, if she’d had her wits about her, she could have still gone charm offensive with the old pipes!  She could have waxed lyrical in her softest English accent and probably wooed him a bit.  But no.  

And get this – when he asked her if she was in an emergency she said –  I still can’t quite believe it – “My son is late for Martial Arts.”  Er…that doesn’t really constitute an emergency Ella! 

I mean, everybody knows you need to make something up like: “I’m on my way to have my bowel purged due to chronic diarrhoea” (and then shift uncomfortably in your seat) or “I’m driving myself to ER because I keep throwing up everywhere” (if you do some fake retching and lean over the side of the car, it works a treat   – it takes those coppers ages to get their shoes shiny.  It’s amazing what the threat of vomit will do!) 

All I’m saying is, you’ve got to get creative and make an effort!   Otherwise you can’t expect him to let you off – I mean the guy has an ego!

So anyway now she’s driving everywhere at an annoying snail’s pace and causing more than one or two drivers to beep loudly.  Am a little concerned she’s gonna be the butt of some road-rage before this probation period is out.  Oh I wonder if the old accent and cleavage things works for that too?

Bye y’all!