My New Burial Plans!

I was at the Gynecologist the other day, for an annual check-up – yuk!  No, I am not going to go into details – well not this time anyway!  In the waiting room, sitting on a plush arm-chair -which is supposed to make you feel like you are in a home-from-home and not at the Doctor’s about to be prodded and poked –  and listening to piped relaxing music of the Enya variety  – which is supposed to make you forget that you are going to have a cold set of oversized pliers shoved you-know-where –  I picked up a Smithsonian magazine to read.  That in itself is worthy of attention because my usual magazine of choice in these situations would OK, or Hello – if there’s a National Enquirer all the better – nothing beats indulging in a bit of celebrity trash! 

However, I was having a bit of an intellectual moment so I scanned the mag, mostly looking at the pictures, and came across an article about home funerals which grabbed my attention.    I never really pay much mind about my funeral preparations, I do often worry about how I’m going to die but have always felt that once I’m gone, they can do what they like with me because…you know…I’ll be dead.  Might as well just shove me a dumpster and go down the pub!

But that has all changed. 

According to the article I read, it is possible to prepare your loved one for their funeral, at home.  They even had a photo of someone in their own living room, lying in a home-made coffin which apprently cost less than $100 to make!   All of this was compared to going through a funeral home and having to pay $2000 for a metal casket.   Now I’m not worried about how much my funeral costs   – like I said: I’ll be dead, if I can’t afford it someone else will have to pay the bill! But I did occur to me that it would be nicer to be buried in a wooden box rather than a metal one  – it’s like the difference between wearing nylon and cotton – one of them is going to make you sweat more  – see what I mean? 

But the part which absolutely captivated me was that the home-funeral guy was bathed in water and lavender oil by his family.  At first I was like – ew! – because I thought how embarrassing it would be to just be laying there and having your family wash you.   They’d probably be like ooh I never knew Granny (because hopefully I’ll be really old by the time I kick it) had such floppy boobs or  I never knew she had a problem with nasal hair!     Afterall they’ve got to talk about something – you can’t bathe a dead body in silence can you!    Then I thought, well I’ll be dead, so who cares what they say about me and let’s face it what’s a bit of nasal hair between family?   Let me just clarify that, at the moment, I do not have an nasal hair issue, or floppy boobs for that matter but most old ladies I see, do, so I think it must all be part of the aging process.  Actually I have a plan to cope with all that –  when I’m seventy with bad eyesight, I intend to hire a beautician to come to my house on a regular basis and pluck any stray facial hairs!  So actually I would probably be hair-free!  Not sure I could do much about the boobs though!

Anyway it would all be worth it because you’re being  bathed in lavender oil – lavender oil guys!  How wonderful is that?  What could be nicer than going to the grave fully moisturized and smelling sweet!

So now I do have some burial preferences.   I want everyone to know that when I pop my clogs – or whatever that saying is – I definitely want to be bathed in water and lavender oil… or geranium …yes geranium would be quite nice…with a touch of orange, just a splash, to give it a zesty edge and actually could you use a towelette made of bamboo?… And while you’re at it perhaps you could put a deep, long-lasting conditioner on my hair and just a sweep of baby-pink nail varnish on my nails?    Ah perfect!



8 Responses to “My New Burial Plans!”

  1. Kathleen Says:

    You’re too young to be thinking about funeral plans Josie! Do you think hiar conditioner will survive the heat? I’d stick to the Hello! magazine next time.

  2. Ash Robbins Says:

    Not a bad way to go, Josie. I’ve been having to study Navajo funeral practices (I know you’re shocked) and they are traditionally prepared by family (two males) and their hair is washed with a soap made from yucca roots but I’m not sure if it smells as nice as lavender.

  3. As long as you know what you want, girlie. That’s the main thing.


  4. Aww, Josie this is not like you at all, going down the morbid garden path! But then, you were at a gynecologist’s for you-know-what, so it’s quite understandable. Hope you have bounced back to being your usual jovial self!

  5. Oh gosh sorry if I sounded a bit glum! I was actually rather elated to find out that could end my days covered in essential oil! 🙂

  6. This is an interesting concept. I’m with you on the coffin and lavender – for environmental as well as monetary. My family will hopefully be all in hysterics, so money over what to do with my carcass shouldn’t burden them, and I’m sure Mother Earth would rather us plant wood in her than metal. Just saying, we don’t like those pliers … going to stop now, this is turning out weirder than I thought.

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