Archive for May, 2010

Blusher Blunder!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2010 by Ella Slayne

As a celebration of my second award I treated myself to a new blusher – it was the perfect reason for a  make-up splurge!   Other reasons are good too like: being dumped by boyfriend, PMS (that’s a good reason for anything actually), or finally being able to wear that pair of jeans again! 

So my new blusher is called Cherry Cheeks and was wildly expensive but I decided that a celebrity doesn’t worry about things like that!  I mean does Meryl Streep, recipient of several awards like me, have to look at the bottom for the price?   I don’t think so!  By the way, if I could choose to come back as someone else it would be Meryl Streep – that woman has class!… And really nice hair – for someone of her age… she’s also quite tall and nicely proportioned. And she is adored – I mean who has ever said anything bad about Meryl Streep?  

 Anyway, my new blusher is definitely worth the $38.76 (!) I paid for it because when applied correctly it makes my cheeks looks wonderfully sun-kissed and healthy – which, in the spirit of the Mastercard ads, is priceless!

However I think I may have overdone it yesterday because when I came into work, Christine asked me if I’d just been to the gym, observing that my face looked hot and flushed   – which was not the look I was going for!    Of course I had not been to the gym – I mean who has time to go to the gym before work? …Oh maybe Meryl Streep!  But then she probably doesn’t start work, I mean shooting until midday or something, and even then she probably has someone to do all the excercises for her!  Anyway  I was too embarrassed to admit that no I had not, in fact, been to the gym but had instead, been snoring very gently into my pillow while my alarm buzzed in the background – I really should go to bed earlier –  so I lied and said yes I’d been on the treadmill for half an hour, and then rushed to the loos to wash it off – probably wasting 80 cents worth of blusher – humph!

Funnily enough I don’t think celebrities have to worry about over-applying blusher either!  I’m sure Ms Streep has her own make-up artist…ooh I wonder how much that costs…

Bye y’all!

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Another Award for Highheels And Slippers!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2010 by Ella Slayne

   

 

 

“And the Happiness Award goes to…Josie Jenkins and Ella Slayne for Highheels And Slippers!”  (The audience applause wildly.  When they have quietened down the host, who is wearing a tux and looks just like the ravishing Hugh Jackman, continues.) “Unfortunately Josie Jenkins couldn’t be here with us tonight and so here is a video message she recorded for us earlier today.”

Video image of Josie, sitting in a TV studio that has been made to look like somebody’s living room. She is wearing a black low-cut dress, her face heavily made up with TV make-up and she is sitting on a beige armchair with paisley scatter cushions.  There is a small table next to her with a glass of water and vase of tastefully arranged flowers in creams and blues.

“…Am I on? …oh right…(She flashes big smile to camera.)…Hello everyone.  (Another big smile) I am so sorry that I cannot be there to accept this award in person…(shifts slightly in her chair with obvious excitement) but as luck would have it, I am here in Chicago waiting to appear on the Oprah show!  Or at least that’s the plan – I could get usurped by Tom Cruise if he talks too long – which is very possible as he has an even bigger tendency to ramble than I do!  (She glances off to camera) They’re in the other studio right now, plush chairs, real audience – the works!  There’s no expense spared here I can tell you.  But then that’s what you’d expect from Oprah isn’t it?  I mean she’s top-notch.

(Someone coughs and a golden statue in the shape of a butterfly is thrust into Josie hands.)  Oh yes…the award!   Which is obviously more important than silly old Oprah! (she turns to camera looking worried and whispers) You can edit that out right?  (She turns back to camera and holds  up the award.)  I am so thrilled to be accepting this award for Highheels And Slippers! It is a great honour for me, and Ella of course, because she doesn’t get out much, except to take her kids to karate or piano practice… and possibly the odd date night.  So really for her it is a HUGE deal. (Big smile to camera – it is a tad patronizing.)

So what makes me happy?  Erm…being asked to go on Oprah for one!  YAY!  And finding one lone tea-bag in the bottom of the box…staying in pyjamas all day long… going to the gym and finding that I can run for twenty minutes without feeling as if I’m about to throw-up!  Oh and being asked to go on Oprah!  Did I already mention that?  (Giggles to camera.)

I must say a big thank you to Hema at http://hemapen.wordpress.com/   for nominating me.  (Smiles) Thank you Hema for all your support.   (Drops smile rather abruptly) You have won so many blog awards now, it’s very kind of you to share.

And here it is:  the Happiness Award!  (She lifts a gold statue of a butterfly up to the camera.)  Although why they use a butterfly as a sign of happiness I do not know…I have always thought butterflies were rather sad creatures…I mean they start off as a lumpy caterpillar, with no figure to speak of, and then when they finally make it to the designer look, they’re about ready to kick it aren’t they?  The average butterfly only lives about a month!  So perhaps they should call it the About To Kick It award!   Only joking!  (Flashes a celebrity type smile to camera.)

(Assumes deadpan expression) But seriously,  it moves me to tears (she dabs eyes for effect) to think that Ella and I  may in some way have made you happy.  And we hope to continue to make you smile or even giggle from time to time. 

Thank you so …(suddenly Josie turns off camera) What’s that?…She’s ready now? You mean Oprah?  Oh my God!  (Josie discards the golden statue on the sofa and starts frantically puffing her hair, she stands up and begins to walk off before being yanked back by her mic lead)  Oh! For goodness sakes can someone get this thing off me? (Yells in rather an inelegant way) I’m about to go on BLOODY OPRAH!  (Two people rush in and remove the mic, Josie pushes them away and walks off)  I’m ready….”

(Back to the dashing host, looking a bit uncomfortable) “That was Josie Jenkins accepting the Happiness Award for Highheels and Slippers!”  (There is a quiet, stilted ripple of applause and someone coughs.)  “And so moving on to our next blog award, the I Never Knew That Before Award! Which goes to…”

Itallics and Typos

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , on May 20, 2010 by Ella Slayne

Oh golly – I feel I need to write this on Ella’s behalf   – it’s a sort of disclaimer.  You see, while I am a whizz in the old grammar department and a genius speller – Ella, unfortunately, is not.   It is becoming obvious that these posts are going to, occasionally, have some typos, that may, for a while, go unspotted.   As a fictional character, I am powerless to do anything about it and my only hope is that, these occaisional blips do not spoil your enjoyment of the entire blog.  Come on guys, what’s the odd missing comma between friends?  

The main reason for such lapses is usually due to the fact that these posts are usually written in one of two main scenarios – there are others but they involve pyjama’s and greasy hair so we’re not going to talk about those! 

1) Late at night when everyone esle is asleep and quite frankly Ella should be too.

Or

2) In the midst of children, usually three but sometimes more (eek!),  running around the interior of the house in circles, playing Star Wars at loud decibels and smearing yoghurt all over the walls!

Personally I think it’s amazing she has been able to write anything at all, never mind produce work that is grammatically correct!

Also, it is becoming apparent that Ella has developed a penchant for the use of  itallics.  I think she feels it helps to create the sound of my voice.  However I personally am wondering if they are a tad distracting!  But like I said there is nothing I can do about it,  so we’ll just have to muddle along…

Bye y’all!

My New Burial Plans!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2010 by Ella Slayne

I was at the Gynecologist the other day, for an annual check-up – yuk!  No, I am not going to go into details – well not this time anyway!  In the waiting room, sitting on a plush arm-chair -which is supposed to make you feel like you are in a home-from-home and not at the Doctor’s about to be prodded and poked –  and listening to piped relaxing music of the Enya variety  – which is supposed to make you forget that you are going to have a cold set of oversized pliers shoved you-know-where –  I picked up a Smithsonian magazine to read.  That in itself is worthy of attention because my usual magazine of choice in these situations would OK, or Hello – if there’s a National Enquirer all the better – nothing beats indulging in a bit of celebrity trash! 

However, I was having a bit of an intellectual moment so I scanned the mag, mostly looking at the pictures, and came across an article about home funerals which grabbed my attention.    I never really pay much mind about my funeral preparations, I do often worry about how I’m going to die but have always felt that once I’m gone, they can do what they like with me because…you know…I’ll be dead.  Might as well just shove me a dumpster and go down the pub!

But that has all changed. 

According to the article I read, it is possible to prepare your loved one for their funeral, at home.  They even had a photo of someone in their own living room, lying in a home-made coffin which apprently cost less than $100 to make!   All of this was compared to going through a funeral home and having to pay $2000 for a metal casket.   Now I’m not worried about how much my funeral costs   – like I said: I’ll be dead, if I can’t afford it someone else will have to pay the bill! But I did occur to me that it would be nicer to be buried in a wooden box rather than a metal one  – it’s like the difference between wearing nylon and cotton – one of them is going to make you sweat more  – see what I mean? 

But the part which absolutely captivated me was that the home-funeral guy was bathed in water and lavender oil by his family.  At first I was like – ew! – because I thought how embarrassing it would be to just be laying there and having your family wash you.   They’d probably be like ooh I never knew Granny (because hopefully I’ll be really old by the time I kick it) had such floppy boobs or  I never knew she had a problem with nasal hair!     Afterall they’ve got to talk about something – you can’t bathe a dead body in silence can you!    Then I thought, well I’ll be dead, so who cares what they say about me and let’s face it what’s a bit of nasal hair between family?   Let me just clarify that, at the moment, I do not have an nasal hair issue, or floppy boobs for that matter but most old ladies I see, do, so I think it must all be part of the aging process.  Actually I have a plan to cope with all that –  when I’m seventy with bad eyesight, I intend to hire a beautician to come to my house on a regular basis and pluck any stray facial hairs!  So actually I would probably be hair-free!  Not sure I could do much about the boobs though!

Anyway it would all be worth it because you’re being  bathed in lavender oil – lavender oil guys!  How wonderful is that?  What could be nicer than going to the grave fully moisturized and smelling sweet!

So now I do have some burial preferences.   I want everyone to know that when I pop my clogs – or whatever that saying is – I definitely want to be bathed in water and lavender oil… or geranium …yes geranium would be quite nice…with a touch of orange, just a splash, to give it a zesty edge and actually could you use a towelette made of bamboo?… And while you’re at it perhaps you could put a deep, long-lasting conditioner on my hair and just a sweep of baby-pink nail varnish on my nails?    Ah perfect!

Bye’all!

Serving Suggestions!

Posted in blogging, fiction, humor, life, personal, Uncategorized, writing with tags , , , , , , on May 4, 2010 by Ella Slayne

I just opened a tin of peas to put with my crunchy coated cod fillets and while waiting for them to  heat up was reading the label on the can, as you do, only to find a serving suggestion  for Italian Meatball Soup!  That is what I call unecessary pressure.  I mean I only wanted a few peas and then I read that label.   Felt like a complete culinary failure – it ruined my dinner!

In fact I think all serving suggestions should be banned!  Here’s why:

1) They are always prepared by a trained chef, therefore look fantastic on the back of the box.  I am not a trained chef, therefore when I attempt to copy a serving suggestion, such as “baked chicken casserole with dumplings and a piped mash crust”  for example,  it looks a total mess and leaves me with awful inadequate feeling.

2) I wasn’t going to make Coconut Surprise anyway, I just wanted some soft brown sugar to put on my porridge – which involves no chef talents whatsoever – it’s just a case of gentle sprinkling.  Although there is an art to the sugar sprinkle actually – which is important if you’re a bit particular and have an aversion to sugar clumps -it’s all in the wrist!

3) I already know that you can spread soft cream cheese on a cracker, it doesn’t need an Einstein to work that one out – honestly do they think I’m thick or what?

4) If I buy some Choc Dippers to dip in my tea and the packet shows them being dipped in milk I feel as if I’m doing it wrong somehow and that mars my enjoyment of the whole experience. Actually I’m not buying those again, I’m going to stick to McVities Digestives because you know where you are with a digestive.  In fact, one of the few simple pleasures in life is dipping a digestive in a mug of tea.  No serving suggestion necessary!

Bye y’all!